ashes to ashes

my mother is dead.

i spent so much of my life rejecting her crazy side and being embarrassed that i forgot how much i need her.

my mother is dead.

i spent so much of my life focusing on stupid things that i forgot to cherish her.

my mother is dead.

i spent so much of my life believing that she would change her unhealthy ways that i wasn't aware that she would never come home.

i am so sad.
i am so broken.

i lied when i said i didn't want her at my wedding.
i lied when i said i didn't want her in the delivery room.
i lied when i said that we didn't have to visit her.

to whom it may concern,
thank you for leaving me.
thank you for finding someone else.
thank you for changing our plans and rejecting me.

i mean that, without malice. if i had followed my heart at the time, i may not have been able to hold my mother's hand while she left this earth.

i used to think the worst pain in the world was losing the love of your life.
i now realize that losing the one who gave you life is.

my mother was insane. i was afraid that people would judge me because of her.
that she would scare people off.

i would give anything to have her here again. i would gladly do all the things that i hated, if it meant i could see her. i would live with the embarrassment forever if it meant that my children could feel her love.

i am so angry.
i am so incredibly bitter.

at her.
at god.
at me.
mostly at me.

my mother is dead.

and i wish that i couldn't feel anything.

Rock Bottom

It's really funny. 

I was about to step off of the bus, and I looked back at the driver and said "have a good night, be safe."

I actually laughed to myself as I walked to the grocery store. I played that moment over in my head. How could I wish for a random stranger to be safe, when I was deliberately going to the grocery store with plans to harm myself? 

I knew the entire way that I was being stupid. That my evening's plans were unnecessary and foolish, but I also knew that I was going to follow through. See, there is a sense of excitement and a build up inside of you when you are about to harm yourself. Something is wound so tightly inside of you and the only way to release that feeling is the follow through. 

I walked into the grocery store. I was craving something sweet. Something that I knew would make me feel guilty. Something that would be easier to come back up. 

I grabbed two boxes of cereal. Fruity Pebbles and this chocolate, marshmallow mixture that they make special for gluten-free people, like myself. (gag) I made sure to grab a melon though, for the next day. That day I would be "good."

The walk back home was miserable. I was trying to talk myself out of my plans. I knew it wouldn't work. I try to tell myself these silly little things. "Calories are not bad," and "You need food to live." I even try to use other people to get my mind right. "What would Dad say?!" and "What are you going to do when someone finally wants you? Will you even live long enough to meet him?"

None of that works when I am in that mood. "It's not all the time." "Only until I lose 10 lbs," "You can start over tomorrow." "No one has to know." These words are the ones that win. 

I ate two bowls of Fruity Pebbles, the chugged some water. I went to my bedroom to rest for a few minutes before I locked myself in the bathroom. I silently prayed for my roommate to come home. That would force me to digest the food. I can never risk her finding out. She threatened to cut off my hair if she found out. I don't think she really would, but I love my hair too much. It's my body that I hate. 

After a few minutes, I head into the bathroom. It is strange mixture of dread and excitement once the door is shut. I always put something on Netflix to drown out my own thoughts. The ones begging me not to follow through. To hold on, and not give up another piece of my sanity. This particular night I was watching an episode of The Office. The one where Jim finally asks Pam out after his interview in New York. It's kind of funny that episode was on. For other reasons, of course. 

I have a ritual. 

I look in the mirror. 

I examine my face. 

I wait.

and 

wait

and wait.

Then I find everything wrong with my face. 

I grab at my stomach, and thighs.

my neck.

I start trying to imagine my cheeks sunken in, 

I try to see my bones through my skin.

All of this gives me the courage. 

I turn on the sink faucet and I wet the toothbrush. 

I have two.

well, three... but one especially for this. 

I rinse it, and then I hover over the toilet. 

I always have this moment of clarity right before I shove the toothbrush down my throat. 

There is a voice that tells me that I need to stop, that I am better than this, that God wants me the way I am, and I am loved. 

then, I tell myself that I am being a baby and I need to suck it up and puke. 

I listen to that one. I listen, because it hurts. Not forcing myself to throw up hurts. It feels like if I don't, I will go insane. 

I gag myself. Toothbrush down the back of my throat until it hurts. Until I am emptying my stomach. Until I am ripping food from my stomach and splashing it into a toilet. I am both relieved and disgusted. Sometimes I will run the shower first. Sometimes, the sick splashes up onto my face. Sometimes, it makes it easier to finish the job. This is a messy messy hobby. 

Sometimes it is one really good dump. Other times it takes a good few tries to reach the feeling that enough food was expelled. Those are the worst because I have to keep reminding myself why I am doing this. 

After I reach the level of empty that I need, I go back to the mirror. I look at my blood shot eyes and swollen face and there is a moment of numbness. Then, I just feel good. I did what needed to be done. I was weak when I ate food. I was weak when I had that cookie. I was weak when I decided to live for a moment, and now that I removed it from my body, I am strong. 

I flush it all away, and I clean up the mess. Usually that just means jumping in the shower, because I am the mess. I brush my teeth and spit. I hope that the blood is from my gums, but It doesn't bleed when I brush regularly. I am really good at lying. So, I just tell myself that it isn't a big deal. 

As I write this, I know that my actions are dangerous. I know that it is wrong, but I also know that I crave that moment that I get after the numbness goes away. 

It's been about two years on and off. I keep telling myself that it will fade... the desire. I guess I am hoping that it will. 

I am 26 years old. I am 5 ft 1.5 inches and I weigh roughly 121 lbs. 

I look at children sometimes and I envy their body. 

I look at myself and more often than not, I hate what I see. 

I look at people smaller than me and I find them beautiful.
I look at people bigger than me and I find them beautiful.
I have nothing to change about them.
yet, Id change so much about me.

I am a mess. 

I am at Rock Bottom. 

I am so quick to wish everyone happiness, and safety and joy..

I am not sure that I know what that even means. 

Cha-changes!

Dear Friends,

It's been five months since I have written one of these silly little posts. So much of life has changed.

I feel angry. I feel hurt. I feel confused. I feel abandoned. I feel broken. I feel self-conscious. I feel inadequate. I feel. I feel. I feel.

I have so many negative feelings going on in this little heart of mine.

Thankfully I know that I am a child of God. I know that I am a daughter of the King. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that I have not been abandoned and I have not been forsaken. I know that I was created for a purpose. I know that I am a conqueror. I know that my God will supply all my needs. I know. I know. I know.

I am a woman who relies so much on her feelings, but I have to learn how to push those aside and rely on what I know. I know that fear is NOT of God. So many of my negative feelings steam from some fear that I am not good enough. A fear that I thought that I had conquered.

In these dark moments, I am holding on to scripture and praying constantly.

Philippians 4:6-9 has been daily reminder.

6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. 

 Throwing out my emotions and relying on all that I know to be true is one of the hardest things that I have done. My life is in a transitional phase and I don't know what I am supposed to do. The one thing that I do know is that I need to fix my eyes on Jesus and let him hold me when I am feeling lost. It wont be easy.

I am confident that I will come out of this victorious and with a beautiful testimony. In the meantime, I am simply praying that everything that I am learning will be used one day to help others. That is what keeps me going.

If your scared and lost, just know that you are not alone. Do not rely on how you feel, because feelings can be deceptive. Hold on to what you know. You are worth more than your fears would have you believe.

If At First You Don't Succeed

Dear friends,

"If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward."
-Martin Luther King Jr.

I stumbled upon this quote today, and it is so fitting for my relationship with Jesus. I had hoped that when I chose to follow His path, I would magically never go back to old habits. I know that the decision to be a Christian is full of trials and sacrifice, but I had believed that my faith and love for my creator would make me immune to failing. Silly on my part, but wishful thinking is my specialty. If I don't learn anything else this year, at least I have learned that failing is a part of my walk and my testimony.

The beginning of this year started pretty rocky. I allowed my anger and hurt to get the best of me and I went back into some old bad habits. As with all bad habits, there are consequences, and they are currently weighing on my heart. I'm trying to come to terms with myself and the fact that I let myself down, but it is much harder trying to get over the ache that comes with feeling as though I've let God down. I've asked for forgiveness, and I know that God honors that, but I still haven't completely forgiven myself. I am the one holding on to the guilt, and only I can release myself from this cage. 

I wish that I could say that I am flying, but right now I am crawling. Some days I feel like I am ready to walk. Other days, I can barely inch forward. The only thing that matters is that I push through my own mind, and reach my goal. The only goal that I have is to build and nurture my relationship with Christ. Everything else will fall into place. 

I wish that I was a perfect person. I wish that I didn't let my anger and insecurities get the best of me. I wish that I didn't allow myself to make poor choices that can leave me with regret and worry. I can make a thousand wishes, but wishes won't change who I am. Hard work, and honest prayer will be my aid to becoming the woman that I am supposed to be. There's something refreshing about knowing that there is work to be done within myself. It gives me hope, and something to look forward to. 

All of that being said, I do have a goal for 2015

- I want to learn how to be kind to myself. It seems like a simple task, but it is hard for me. 

For those who feel like they a crawling, I'm right there with you. I know it's hard, but it's worth it in the end. Anyway, perfection makes for a boring story. 

2015 can only get better. 

Lies and Trying Times

Dear Friends,

When I decided that I was going to give up my life to Jesus I thought that the hardest part would be giving up the bad habits that I have accumulated over the past few years. Don't get me wrong, my bad habits are still difficult to shake at times, but it is getting easier. The music that I used to rely on has become something that makes me uncomfortable at times. The racy romance novels that I used to read, no longer tempt me. The language that I used to spew out of my mouth isn't the first thing that I think to say, and when the thought pops in my head, I feel guilt at just the thought. I am slower to anger than I used to be, though that seems to be a bad habit that takes time.

Believe it or not, the hardest part of giving my life over, is trying to see myself through a God mirror versus what I see when I look in the mirror. Somewhere in my life, I heard a lie that I wasn't "good enough." I knew what a thigh gap was before I hit middle school, and I knew that anyone with less than perfectly white and straight teeth were subpar to say the least. I knew that my family didn't have money, and that I was never going to live the life that the kids on television had.  I knew that those ideas were unrealistic, but it didn't make me any less jealous.

I wish that I could say that all of my self-loathing behaviors ended with adulthood. I wish that I could say that I never encountered an eating disorder. I wish that I could say that I have never stared at my naked reflection until I was in tears. I wish that I can say that I haven't obsessed over my weight, and got excited when people asked if I was ill because of my weight loss. I wish that I could say that I never obsessed over my weight because I found nothing redeemable about my face. I wish that I could say that I never thought that my death would solve my insecurities. I wish. I wish. I wish.

I've battled with depression, and I have seen counselors and psychologists to discuss my life. I have divulged my dirty secrets to elders in the church in an attempt to fix myself. I have asked for prayer and for advice to try and see myself the way that I wanted everyone else to see me. But, that is the problem!

I wanted to see myself the way that I wanted others to see me. More importantly, I made my self-worth dependent on human opinion. I forgot that my life is not measured by the outer beauty that I may or may not possess. My life is to be used as a guiding light that shines the love of Jesus out to a battered and broken world.

I am not a "fixed" woman. I still get insecure. I still have bad days. I know that I have mentioned this in previous posts, but it is so important to remind myself and others that the human standard of beauty is not what life is about. I like to feel my best. I feel my best when I am put together. I like those things, but at the end of the day, God doesn't care if I weigh a certain amount, or if my teeth are crooked. God created me for a purpose. He created me, flaws and all, because I can help someone. Some days, like today, I remember that I am created in God's image. On the days that I forget this fact, I turn to scripture (even when I don't feel like it, but that is for another post.)

So, if you are having a bad day or if you are having a hard time looking at yourself in the mirror, step away from the mirror. Pick up your bible.

1 Samuel 16:7
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Don't judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn't make decisions the way you do! People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at a person's thoughts and intentions."

Here's to looking past ideas, and looking at what is real.

A New Season

Dear friends, 

I'm fairly certain that no one reads this. Because of that I feel that I can be completely honest. Honesty is something that I struggle with. I don't struggle with lying, but omitting details of my life. So I will tell you some things that may lift a weight that I carry around. 

If you asked me a few years ago what I wanted out of life, I would have told you that I wanted to be a youth leader. I wanted to fill the hearts of young people and make them yearn for the presence of God. I would tell people this all while not sincerely seeking God. Never seeking a true relationship with Jesus.  I was so good at "church talk" that I convinced myself that I was on the path to true Christianity. 

Because I was not seeking a true relationship with Jesus, I allowed myself to get caught up in things that were never supposed to be entertained. I had my heart broken. I blamed God for my heart being broken and I turned away from all that I knew to be true. I wanted nothing to do with someone that I felt took all that I wanted away from me. 

In the time that I spent away from God, I learned so much. I learned how desperate I was for male attention. I learned how bitter I can become. I learned that the words that I speak can be so powerful, unfortunately in a negative way. I learned that a great amount of alcohol can make me more "agreeable" and funny. I learned that hangovers aren't the only reason to regret becoming drunk. I never lost my belief in remaining a virgin until marriage, nor did I lose the hope to never kiss a man until I actually felt something for him. I am a virgin, and I have yet to be kissed, but I lost parts of me during that time. I lost moments that I will never be able to remember. I've lost time that I could have used for good. At the time, it was always fun. Cussing someone out and pouring hate feels good sometimes. Slinging back that fifth shot feels good sometimes. During all of that time, I'd always wake up hating myself a little bit more. 

In my time away from God, I learned how to hate myself on a whole new level. I learned how to use my fingers to purge my body of unwanted food and the hope of purging my mind of my own disgust. I learned that with each pound shed, I could and would conquer myself. I learned that harming my body took pressure off of harming my mind. 

I was raised in church. I was taught about God. I was taught God as the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit. I was taught to seek a true relationship. I was taught to set all my fears and worries upon God and to praise during the storms as well as the good times. I was taught these things, but I never truly established a lasting relationship, so it was easy to set it all aside. It was easy to convince myself that God had left me, that God allowed my heart to be broken. It was easy to blame my church -my family for treating me unfairly. I created a grudge against everyone who loved God because I was so hardened to the idea of a God who would allow me to be broken. I held to the fact that I was a "good person." All the time I was running from God, I could feel him pulling me toward Him. I ignored it. I chose to leave the God that I believed left me. 

I've come to realize that my entire way of thinking is wrong. I was angry with God, when I should have been angry at myself. I allowed myself to stray from God, to enter into something that was wrong from every angle, and in turn I broke my own heart. I let my heartbreak go a long time ago, but I didn't let go of my anger towards God. 

I was invited to a different church by friends. I went to meet someone, but I ended up meeting myself. The "me" that craved to be in God's embrace. The "me" that wanted a relationship with Jesus. The "me" that was tired of hurting myself mentally and physically. 

I'm learning all these things about myself that I never thought I could learn. I'm learning that being single is not a death sentence. (Even though I still crave a relationship) I am learning that though I've been waiting for the perfect man, my time is better used creating the best version of myself to serve and represent Jesus. I am learning that people who love God are human. I am learning that if I am created in God's image, how can I hate myself?  I'm learning that bitterness is useless. I'm learning that every day is a struggle but I can conquer them. I'm learning that I projected all of my hate and fear on the people who love me. I'm learning that it is a lot easier to forgive others than it is to forgive myself, and to allow myself to be forgiven. More importantly, I'm learning that things take time, and faith, and unfortunately, patience. I still struggle with myself. I have hate days, but now I find some peace in knowing I am not alone. I know that one day my testimony can be used to help others. I take comfort in knowing that my personal struggle, can help others. I am learning to be thankful for my pain. I can't change it, but I can praise and worship through it, and turn it into a positive. 

I have so many fears. I have so many uncertainties. I hate not knowing where Jesus is leading me. I'm not fond of surprises, but I am praying for wisdom to understand when I am given the opportunity to see. 

The greatest thing that I've learned is that it wasn't going to a new church that "fixed" me. It was responding to the Holy Spirit that was calling out to me. The same one that had been calling me. I had to respond, which I was too buried in my own bitterness to do so before. 

Here is my honesty. I am broken. I am being remade, and restructured. I am hopeful and excited. I am scared and unsure. I am a daughter of the living King. I am what I used to laugh at. I am changed. 

Psalm 27 kind of life.

Thinking Out Loud

When I was in high school, I worked at a produce stand in the market on Saturdays. I stood in front of the stall with a dirty apron and waited for customers to walk up. I'd ask if they needed help, grab a plastic bag and turn in to a human shaped shopping basket. Occasionally, I'd offer my pretend expertise on which peach was sweeter or which bag of onions would suit the customer best. Mostly, I'd just stand there looking silly from nine to five.

My favorite part of the day was around eleven in the morning. The brunch crowd was awake, and I'd observe the different people who would cruise by the stall. I always paid special attention to the young couples. They would walk up, hand in hand, and browse. The subtle glances, and sweet smiles would make me  so jealous. There was never any bickering, and it was as if just being at the produce stand was the secret to a happy relationship. Of course I know that is not the case, but I like to pretend.

I want to walk into the market on a Saturday morning, hand in hand with a boy. I want to pick fruit and laugh at whatever silly things we see. I want to show my teenage self that I can be one of the people I used to envy.

That brings me to the point of this post...

I used to envy the women who walked past me with their men holding their hand. I hate to admit this, but I have always had such a hard time believing that I deserve companionship. I am my worst critic and the possibility of being a part of the simple act of fruit picking with a date seems far out of reach.

Fortunately, I'm getting better at this, but it's a slow process. I pray for the poor guy that snags me away from my fear and insecurity,  because I know it won't always be an easy time for him. I am honest enough with myself to realize that I am difficult, and dramatic, and some might say sensitive.

Knowing that, I've thought of some guidelines or tips that may be useful when "dealing" with me.

So,

To whom it may concern,

- If I am attracted to you in anyway, you will make me insanely nervous. I'm not as stupid as I sound, you just make my butterflies take over my brain. Stick through it.

- I yell. When I'm having any emotion, I yell. Fear, happiness, sadness, frustration, anger...whatever... BUT IT DOESNT MEAN THAT I'M YELLING AT YOU. Give me a minute... I will apologize and assure you that you aren't to blame, but I haven't successfully been able to get over that flaw yet. Maybe by the time I find you, we won't need this tip. (Fingers crossed.)

- When I am upset, don't instantly try to "fix" everything. Sometimes there won't be an easy "fix." Assure me that you are there to listen and help if you can. Let me ask. (Keep in mind, I won't always agree and we might go back to where we started.)

- I am emotional. Telling me to calm down, or that I am over reacting, will almost always make me angry. If you can be clever and lead me to see that it's not as bad as it may seem, I'm all for that.

- I will have days where I hate myself. I'm still getting used to loving the skin that I'm in. In the beginning, I will have a hard time accepting your compliments or even your love. Love me anyway.

- there are many things in life that I don't know anything about. That scares me. Be prepared for my fears. I will face them, but I won't always enjoy it.

- I hate the idea of being under/over dressed. If you plan a date night, please give me a hint at what to wear. I want to look nice. I will be more enjoyable if I am feeling pretty.

- I am gonna wanna show you off. You make me extremely happy, that's why I'm with you. I want the world to see the beautiful man that you are too. I won't pretend to be sorry about that.

- I will need space from time to time. I don't need to be the center of your world. (That's a spot that will be filled by your relationship with Jesus anyway.) I just want to be a part of it. I don't need to text you all day, everyday. I would however like to know that you're having a good day. And on the bad ones, I want to be able to help, should you need it.

There are a lot of things that I can say. I'm complicated.  I'm a mess. I'm insecure and scared. If you don't get freaked out by all of that, I swear I will do everything in my power to make your life as amazing as possible.

My main goal in life is to lift others up. To be a light. It will be my personal mission to make you know how beautiful you are, and how important you are.

I know a lot of these things are common. I hope that posting them will ease any confusion and miscommunication.  I know that love, and life is not full of rainbows and unicorns.  I know it is messy, and at times bitter. I know these to be true, but I also know that it can be easier with a partner by your side. It is easier to carry heavy loads when someone is picking up the other side.

This may all be pointless. Early morning thoughts I suppose.

Until this becomes useful, I'll continue to ponder on how to make life with me easier. ♡

Ps. I'm long-winded. Get used to it.