Dear Friends,
In light of my cousin's recent death, I have taking a nice stroll down memory lane.
Growing up, family time was the most important thing in the world. In my house alone, I lived with my mom, my aunt, my cousin, my brother, and the man who was not my biological father but was the first positive male role model that I could have. So, you can know him as I call him, dad. That was just in my house. My mother is one of six children were around while I was growing up. All but one of her siblings have at least two children, where one of my aunts has one child. With my family, we don't reserve the term "family" for people who share the same bloodline. This included friends who were dear to our heart including the best friend of one of my aunts and her daughter, who I proudly call my sister.
I say all of this to give you an idea of how large my family is. Growing up with such a large family was awesome. We didn't always see each other, but the times that we were all together were filled with laughter and excitement and arguments. This is the reason that Christmas Eve has always felt more like a holiday than Christmas Day. Being one of the youngest, I was able to see everything. It didn't hurt that I knew how to keep secrets.
Flash forward to today, and it hurts to say that I barely know half of my family. I understand that people have to grow up and get their own lives, but to see us all on separate roads breaks my heart.
When I have children, I hope that I will be able to introduce them to the chaos that surrounded me when I was younger. Sitting in the church where my cousin was laying as everyone said their goodbyes was difficult. It was hard because I have a handful of memories, mostly from when I was I was little. She died young, but there is No reason that I shouldn't have more memories to choose from.
I don't know how to get us back to where it used to be. I'm not even sure if I am imagining things the true way. I want the family that I either had, or that I imagined.
This post is to release my guilt. The guilt I feel for not being a true part of my cousin's life. I wish that I knew her better. This post is also in hopes that I can get my family back.
