Dear Friends,
We all know that the dating game can be scary. That is normal. If you add a girl who gets nervous around males into the mix, it can be terrifying.
Don't get me wrong, I love men. I love to flirt and giggle and goof around with members of the opposite sex, but when it comes down to opening up myself and allowing someone in, I shut down and run. This is how you end up being twenty-three and single.
I think I am most afraid of the awkward conversations that I am going to have with my first relationship. The things that I don't know how to say, or when to say them. I know how to be a friend to guys. I know how to be around them and to make situations funny. The only thing that is missing is the intimacy that you have with the person that you are in a relationship with.
This is what needs to be said... but I can't seem to figure out how to say it without sounding crazy:
-No, I have never been in a relationship. They scare me, because I am afraid of being hurt.
-No, I have never been kissed (it doesn't count when you're six). I feel like kisses are special and I will not waste my first kiss on someone who doesn't matter to me.
-No, I have not had sex, nor any other acts that go along with that. I believe that those physical acts should happen only after marriage.
-No, You will not change my mind.
It is easy to sit here and type that out, but it is different when you are in the real world and all of your fears and insecurities take over. We live in an age when it is expected of you to be that girl that the boys see on tv. The one who seems hard to get, but really gives in. There is something extremely terrifying about the possibility of being rejected because you won't do something that you aren't comfortable doing. People say "well, they didn't deserve you anyway..." No they didn't, but it doesn't make the sting any less severe.
And the fact that I am not comfortable having these conversations with men that I am interested in, makes me shy away from even trying. I sit and hope that one day, the right guy will just fall into my arms knowing all of this. It's a silly dream. I just don't know how to get around this.
They don't teach you how to make yourself comfortable in your own skin in high school.
