Lies and Trying Times

Dear Friends,

When I decided that I was going to give up my life to Jesus I thought that the hardest part would be giving up the bad habits that I have accumulated over the past few years. Don't get me wrong, my bad habits are still difficult to shake at times, but it is getting easier. The music that I used to rely on has become something that makes me uncomfortable at times. The racy romance novels that I used to read, no longer tempt me. The language that I used to spew out of my mouth isn't the first thing that I think to say, and when the thought pops in my head, I feel guilt at just the thought. I am slower to anger than I used to be, though that seems to be a bad habit that takes time.

Believe it or not, the hardest part of giving my life over, is trying to see myself through a God mirror versus what I see when I look in the mirror. Somewhere in my life, I heard a lie that I wasn't "good enough." I knew what a thigh gap was before I hit middle school, and I knew that anyone with less than perfectly white and straight teeth were subpar to say the least. I knew that my family didn't have money, and that I was never going to live the life that the kids on television had.  I knew that those ideas were unrealistic, but it didn't make me any less jealous.

I wish that I could say that all of my self-loathing behaviors ended with adulthood. I wish that I could say that I never encountered an eating disorder. I wish that I could say that I have never stared at my naked reflection until I was in tears. I wish that I can say that I haven't obsessed over my weight, and got excited when people asked if I was ill because of my weight loss. I wish that I could say that I never obsessed over my weight because I found nothing redeemable about my face. I wish that I could say that I never thought that my death would solve my insecurities. I wish. I wish. I wish.

I've battled with depression, and I have seen counselors and psychologists to discuss my life. I have divulged my dirty secrets to elders in the church in an attempt to fix myself. I have asked for prayer and for advice to try and see myself the way that I wanted everyone else to see me. But, that is the problem!

I wanted to see myself the way that I wanted others to see me. More importantly, I made my self-worth dependent on human opinion. I forgot that my life is not measured by the outer beauty that I may or may not possess. My life is to be used as a guiding light that shines the love of Jesus out to a battered and broken world.

I am not a "fixed" woman. I still get insecure. I still have bad days. I know that I have mentioned this in previous posts, but it is so important to remind myself and others that the human standard of beauty is not what life is about. I like to feel my best. I feel my best when I am put together. I like those things, but at the end of the day, God doesn't care if I weigh a certain amount, or if my teeth are crooked. God created me for a purpose. He created me, flaws and all, because I can help someone. Some days, like today, I remember that I am created in God's image. On the days that I forget this fact, I turn to scripture (even when I don't feel like it, but that is for another post.)

So, if you are having a bad day or if you are having a hard time looking at yourself in the mirror, step away from the mirror. Pick up your bible.

1 Samuel 16:7
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Don't judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn't make decisions the way you do! People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at a person's thoughts and intentions."

Here's to looking past ideas, and looking at what is real.

A New Season

Dear friends, 

I'm fairly certain that no one reads this. Because of that I feel that I can be completely honest. Honesty is something that I struggle with. I don't struggle with lying, but omitting details of my life. So I will tell you some things that may lift a weight that I carry around. 

If you asked me a few years ago what I wanted out of life, I would have told you that I wanted to be a youth leader. I wanted to fill the hearts of young people and make them yearn for the presence of God. I would tell people this all while not sincerely seeking God. Never seeking a true relationship with Jesus.  I was so good at "church talk" that I convinced myself that I was on the path to true Christianity. 

Because I was not seeking a true relationship with Jesus, I allowed myself to get caught up in things that were never supposed to be entertained. I had my heart broken. I blamed God for my heart being broken and I turned away from all that I knew to be true. I wanted nothing to do with someone that I felt took all that I wanted away from me. 

In the time that I spent away from God, I learned so much. I learned how desperate I was for male attention. I learned how bitter I can become. I learned that the words that I speak can be so powerful, unfortunately in a negative way. I learned that a great amount of alcohol can make me more "agreeable" and funny. I learned that hangovers aren't the only reason to regret becoming drunk. I never lost my belief in remaining a virgin until marriage, nor did I lose the hope to never kiss a man until I actually felt something for him. I am a virgin, and I have yet to be kissed, but I lost parts of me during that time. I lost moments that I will never be able to remember. I've lost time that I could have used for good. At the time, it was always fun. Cussing someone out and pouring hate feels good sometimes. Slinging back that fifth shot feels good sometimes. During all of that time, I'd always wake up hating myself a little bit more. 

In my time away from God, I learned how to hate myself on a whole new level. I learned how to use my fingers to purge my body of unwanted food and the hope of purging my mind of my own disgust. I learned that with each pound shed, I could and would conquer myself. I learned that harming my body took pressure off of harming my mind. 

I was raised in church. I was taught about God. I was taught God as the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit. I was taught to seek a true relationship. I was taught to set all my fears and worries upon God and to praise during the storms as well as the good times. I was taught these things, but I never truly established a lasting relationship, so it was easy to set it all aside. It was easy to convince myself that God had left me, that God allowed my heart to be broken. It was easy to blame my church -my family for treating me unfairly. I created a grudge against everyone who loved God because I was so hardened to the idea of a God who would allow me to be broken. I held to the fact that I was a "good person." All the time I was running from God, I could feel him pulling me toward Him. I ignored it. I chose to leave the God that I believed left me. 

I've come to realize that my entire way of thinking is wrong. I was angry with God, when I should have been angry at myself. I allowed myself to stray from God, to enter into something that was wrong from every angle, and in turn I broke my own heart. I let my heartbreak go a long time ago, but I didn't let go of my anger towards God. 

I was invited to a different church by friends. I went to meet someone, but I ended up meeting myself. The "me" that craved to be in God's embrace. The "me" that wanted a relationship with Jesus. The "me" that was tired of hurting myself mentally and physically. 

I'm learning all these things about myself that I never thought I could learn. I'm learning that being single is not a death sentence. (Even though I still crave a relationship) I am learning that though I've been waiting for the perfect man, my time is better used creating the best version of myself to serve and represent Jesus. I am learning that people who love God are human. I am learning that if I am created in God's image, how can I hate myself?  I'm learning that bitterness is useless. I'm learning that every day is a struggle but I can conquer them. I'm learning that I projected all of my hate and fear on the people who love me. I'm learning that it is a lot easier to forgive others than it is to forgive myself, and to allow myself to be forgiven. More importantly, I'm learning that things take time, and faith, and unfortunately, patience. I still struggle with myself. I have hate days, but now I find some peace in knowing I am not alone. I know that one day my testimony can be used to help others. I take comfort in knowing that my personal struggle, can help others. I am learning to be thankful for my pain. I can't change it, but I can praise and worship through it, and turn it into a positive. 

I have so many fears. I have so many uncertainties. I hate not knowing where Jesus is leading me. I'm not fond of surprises, but I am praying for wisdom to understand when I am given the opportunity to see. 

The greatest thing that I've learned is that it wasn't going to a new church that "fixed" me. It was responding to the Holy Spirit that was calling out to me. The same one that had been calling me. I had to respond, which I was too buried in my own bitterness to do so before. 

Here is my honesty. I am broken. I am being remade, and restructured. I am hopeful and excited. I am scared and unsure. I am a daughter of the living King. I am what I used to laugh at. I am changed. 

Psalm 27 kind of life.

Thinking Out Loud

When I was in high school, I worked at a produce stand in the market on Saturdays. I stood in front of the stall with a dirty apron and waited for customers to walk up. I'd ask if they needed help, grab a plastic bag and turn in to a human shaped shopping basket. Occasionally, I'd offer my pretend expertise on which peach was sweeter or which bag of onions would suit the customer best. Mostly, I'd just stand there looking silly from nine to five.

My favorite part of the day was around eleven in the morning. The brunch crowd was awake, and I'd observe the different people who would cruise by the stall. I always paid special attention to the young couples. They would walk up, hand in hand, and browse. The subtle glances, and sweet smiles would make me  so jealous. There was never any bickering, and it was as if just being at the produce stand was the secret to a happy relationship. Of course I know that is not the case, but I like to pretend.

I want to walk into the market on a Saturday morning, hand in hand with a boy. I want to pick fruit and laugh at whatever silly things we see. I want to show my teenage self that I can be one of the people I used to envy.

That brings me to the point of this post...

I used to envy the women who walked past me with their men holding their hand. I hate to admit this, but I have always had such a hard time believing that I deserve companionship. I am my worst critic and the possibility of being a part of the simple act of fruit picking with a date seems far out of reach.

Fortunately, I'm getting better at this, but it's a slow process. I pray for the poor guy that snags me away from my fear and insecurity,  because I know it won't always be an easy time for him. I am honest enough with myself to realize that I am difficult, and dramatic, and some might say sensitive.

Knowing that, I've thought of some guidelines or tips that may be useful when "dealing" with me.

So,

To whom it may concern,

- If I am attracted to you in anyway, you will make me insanely nervous. I'm not as stupid as I sound, you just make my butterflies take over my brain. Stick through it.

- I yell. When I'm having any emotion, I yell. Fear, happiness, sadness, frustration, anger...whatever... BUT IT DOESNT MEAN THAT I'M YELLING AT YOU. Give me a minute... I will apologize and assure you that you aren't to blame, but I haven't successfully been able to get over that flaw yet. Maybe by the time I find you, we won't need this tip. (Fingers crossed.)

- When I am upset, don't instantly try to "fix" everything. Sometimes there won't be an easy "fix." Assure me that you are there to listen and help if you can. Let me ask. (Keep in mind, I won't always agree and we might go back to where we started.)

- I am emotional. Telling me to calm down, or that I am over reacting, will almost always make me angry. If you can be clever and lead me to see that it's not as bad as it may seem, I'm all for that.

- I will have days where I hate myself. I'm still getting used to loving the skin that I'm in. In the beginning, I will have a hard time accepting your compliments or even your love. Love me anyway.

- there are many things in life that I don't know anything about. That scares me. Be prepared for my fears. I will face them, but I won't always enjoy it.

- I hate the idea of being under/over dressed. If you plan a date night, please give me a hint at what to wear. I want to look nice. I will be more enjoyable if I am feeling pretty.

- I am gonna wanna show you off. You make me extremely happy, that's why I'm with you. I want the world to see the beautiful man that you are too. I won't pretend to be sorry about that.

- I will need space from time to time. I don't need to be the center of your world. (That's a spot that will be filled by your relationship with Jesus anyway.) I just want to be a part of it. I don't need to text you all day, everyday. I would however like to know that you're having a good day. And on the bad ones, I want to be able to help, should you need it.

There are a lot of things that I can say. I'm complicated.  I'm a mess. I'm insecure and scared. If you don't get freaked out by all of that, I swear I will do everything in my power to make your life as amazing as possible.

My main goal in life is to lift others up. To be a light. It will be my personal mission to make you know how beautiful you are, and how important you are.

I know a lot of these things are common. I hope that posting them will ease any confusion and miscommunication.  I know that love, and life is not full of rainbows and unicorns.  I know it is messy, and at times bitter. I know these to be true, but I also know that it can be easier with a partner by your side. It is easier to carry heavy loads when someone is picking up the other side.

This may all be pointless. Early morning thoughts I suppose.

Until this becomes useful, I'll continue to ponder on how to make life with me easier. ♡

Ps. I'm long-winded. Get used to it.

I hate rainy days
They force me to be lazy
They make me stay still
When all I want to do is be free
If you were next to me
I think I would love rainy days
Nothing is more exciting 
Than the way your throat moves
When you swallow a drink of water
And the way your eye lashes 
Touch your cheek
My mind would be too busy
Tracing the lines on your face
Rainy days could last forever
If you could just stay by me
You are the cure for my restlessness

Progress

Dear Friends, 

I have always struggled with who I am and who I thought that I should be. I thought that I should be a tall, thin blonde with perfect breasts, and a flat stomach, and straight teeth. I should have flawless skin and be able to easily hold the attention of anyone that I meet. I should wear conservative clothes, in only the best pastels. I should never cause a scene. 

That isn't who I am. I have tried. That is not who I am. 

I'm not tall. I am not blonde. I do not have perfect skin, or hair, or teeth. I struggle with the idea of my weight, and I constantly feel inadequate. 

And then I started getting tattoos. I've always been fond of them. To have a part of your personality be shown for the world to see, is so majestic. It is so freeing. 

Then I encountered people who dislike them and made me feel ugly for the art that is so close to my heart. I second guessed everything about myself, and thought of ways to conceal them. This didn't heal the unrest in my spirit. I had to look deep within myself and strip away all of my concerns for the people around me. At my very core, I enjoy tattoos. I enjoy wearing the little pieces of my heart for the world to see. I enjoy looking in the mirror and seeing the choices that I made for myself. 

I enjoy knowing that I am who I was meant to be. I spent so many years of my life trying to be like the other girls that I grew up around. The stereotypical Christian girls. I am not a stereotype. I am not a thing for you to pick a part. The art that I display is only one part of who I am. 

It just happens to be my favorite part of me. I didn't choose my hair, or my eyes. I didn't choose my height, or the size of my hands. I chose my tattoos, and my independence. 

Here's to truly growing,

:)

Pointless.

Dear Friends,
I haven't posted in a while because I feel like there isn't anything important to share.

It has been a year since I have moved out on my own. I am still a total mess. I still have absolutely no idea what I am doing.

I am still at a ridiculous place in my life where I simply can not find a man that I am comfortable enough with to let down all of my guards.

And at this point in my life, I don't have any hope of actually finding happiness.
My sadness feeds my insecurities, and they sure are feasting.

Here's to being alone forever.
Cheers.

Happy New Year!

Dear Friends,

Okay, so I realize that I am a few days late on this post, but it will have to do. Story of my life.

While I understand that some people find the thought of resolutions stupid, I actually love them. I love the idea of "new year, new me." As a person who never feels completely comfortable in my own skin, I like that I can reinvent parts of me. So this post is about my goals and hopes for 2014.

Here goes:

- I will get more rest in 2014. Though I never seem to have enough time to do what I want to do, I will get sleep. It is a necessity.
- I will drink at least 24 oz of water for every coffee drink that I consume.
- I will keep my room organized and refrain from holding on to items of no importance. A clutter-free home will keep stress levels down.
- I will do some sort of physical exercise to give my mind and body a challenge.
- I will learn to stop seeing only the negative things about myself. (I will stop seeking to find negative things about my appearance.)
- I will get the promotion at work, and I will work my hardest.
- I will try to stop being annoyed with people who openly seek attention. I am coming to the understanding that some people beg for attention because they need it. Who does it hurt by indulging them?
- I will learn to ask for what I want, and not be disappointed when it doesn't happen. Asking does not guarantee you something.

Most importantly, I will keep up with this blog. Even if some of the things that I post are silly.

Here's to hoping that my goals/hopes will be accomplished, and that I will learn to be the best version of myself.

Cheers.