I'm fairly certain that no one reads this. Because of that I feel that I can be completely honest. Honesty is something that I struggle with. I don't struggle with lying, but omitting details of my life. So I will tell you some things that may lift a weight that I carry around.
If you asked me a few years ago what I wanted out of life, I would have told you that I wanted to be a youth leader. I wanted to fill the hearts of young people and make them yearn for the presence of God. I would tell people this all while not sincerely seeking God. Never seeking a true relationship with Jesus. I was so good at "church talk" that I convinced myself that I was on the path to true Christianity.
Because I was not seeking a true relationship with Jesus, I allowed myself to get caught up in things that were never supposed to be entertained. I had my heart broken. I blamed God for my heart being broken and I turned away from all that I knew to be true. I wanted nothing to do with someone that I felt took all that I wanted away from me.
In the time that I spent away from God, I learned so much. I learned how desperate I was for male attention. I learned how bitter I can become. I learned that the words that I speak can be so powerful, unfortunately in a negative way. I learned that a great amount of alcohol can make me more "agreeable" and funny. I learned that hangovers aren't the only reason to regret becoming drunk. I never lost my belief in remaining a virgin until marriage, nor did I lose the hope to never kiss a man until I actually felt something for him. I am a virgin, and I have yet to be kissed, but I lost parts of me during that time. I lost moments that I will never be able to remember. I've lost time that I could have used for good. At the time, it was always fun. Cussing someone out and pouring hate feels good sometimes. Slinging back that fifth shot feels good sometimes. During all of that time, I'd always wake up hating myself a little bit more.
In my time away from God, I learned how to hate myself on a whole new level. I learned how to use my fingers to purge my body of unwanted food and the hope of purging my mind of my own disgust. I learned that with each pound shed, I could and would conquer myself. I learned that harming my body took pressure off of harming my mind.
I was raised in church. I was taught about God. I was taught God as the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit. I was taught to seek a true relationship. I was taught to set all my fears and worries upon God and to praise during the storms as well as the good times. I was taught these things, but I never truly established a lasting relationship, so it was easy to set it all aside. It was easy to convince myself that God had left me, that God allowed my heart to be broken. It was easy to blame my church -my family for treating me unfairly. I created a grudge against everyone who loved God because I was so hardened to the idea of a God who would allow me to be broken. I held to the fact that I was a "good person." All the time I was running from God, I could feel him pulling me toward Him. I ignored it. I chose to leave the God that I believed left me.
I've come to realize that my entire way of thinking is wrong. I was angry with God, when I should have been angry at myself. I allowed myself to stray from God, to enter into something that was wrong from every angle, and in turn I broke my own heart. I let my heartbreak go a long time ago, but I didn't let go of my anger towards God.
I was invited to a different church by friends. I went to meet someone, but I ended up meeting myself. The "me" that craved to be in God's embrace. The "me" that wanted a relationship with Jesus. The "me" that was tired of hurting myself mentally and physically.
I'm learning all these things about myself that I never thought I could learn. I'm learning that being single is not a death sentence. (Even though I still crave a relationship) I am learning that though I've been waiting for the perfect man, my time is better used creating the best version of myself to serve and represent Jesus. I am learning that people who love God are human. I am learning that if I am created in God's image, how can I hate myself? I'm learning that bitterness is useless. I'm learning that every day is a struggle but I can conquer them. I'm learning that I projected all of my hate and fear on the people who love me. I'm learning that it is a lot easier to forgive others than it is to forgive myself, and to allow myself to be forgiven. More importantly, I'm learning that things take time, and faith, and unfortunately, patience. I still struggle with myself. I have hate days, but now I find some peace in knowing I am not alone. I know that one day my testimony can be used to help others. I take comfort in knowing that my personal struggle, can help others. I am learning to be thankful for my pain. I can't change it, but I can praise and worship through it, and turn it into a positive.
I have so many fears. I have so many uncertainties. I hate not knowing where Jesus is leading me. I'm not fond of surprises, but I am praying for wisdom to understand when I am given the opportunity to see.
The greatest thing that I've learned is that it wasn't going to a new church that "fixed" me. It was responding to the Holy Spirit that was calling out to me. The same one that had been calling me. I had to respond, which I was too buried in my own bitterness to do so before.
Here is my honesty. I am broken. I am being remade, and restructured. I am hopeful and excited. I am scared and unsure. I am a daughter of the living King. I am what I used to laugh at. I am changed.
Psalm 27 kind of life.
