Dear Friends,
When I decided that I was going to give up my life to Jesus I thought that the hardest part would be giving up the bad habits that I have accumulated over the past few years. Don't get me wrong, my bad habits are still difficult to shake at times, but it is getting easier. The music that I used to rely on has become something that makes me uncomfortable at times. The racy romance novels that I used to read, no longer tempt me. The language that I used to spew out of my mouth isn't the first thing that I think to say, and when the thought pops in my head, I feel guilt at just the thought. I am slower to anger than I used to be, though that seems to be a bad habit that takes time.
Believe it or not, the hardest part of giving my life over, is trying to see myself through a God mirror versus what I see when I look in the mirror. Somewhere in my life, I heard a lie that I wasn't "good enough." I knew what a thigh gap was before I hit middle school, and I knew that anyone with less than perfectly white and straight teeth were subpar to say the least. I knew that my family didn't have money, and that I was never going to live the life that the kids on television had. I knew that those ideas were unrealistic, but it didn't make me any less jealous.
I wish that I could say that all of my self-loathing behaviors ended with adulthood. I wish that I could say that I never encountered an eating disorder. I wish that I could say that I have never stared at my naked reflection until I was in tears. I wish that I can say that I haven't obsessed over my weight, and got excited when people asked if I was ill because of my weight loss. I wish that I could say that I never obsessed over my weight because I found nothing redeemable about my face. I wish that I could say that I never thought that my death would solve my insecurities. I wish. I wish. I wish.
I've battled with depression, and I have seen counselors and psychologists to discuss my life. I have divulged my dirty secrets to elders in the church in an attempt to fix myself. I have asked for prayer and for advice to try and see myself the way that I wanted everyone else to see me. But, that is the problem!
I wanted to see myself the way that I wanted others to see me. More importantly, I made my self-worth dependent on human opinion. I forgot that my life is not measured by the outer beauty that I may or may not possess. My life is to be used as a guiding light that shines the love of Jesus out to a battered and broken world.
I am not a "fixed" woman. I still get insecure. I still have bad days. I know that I have mentioned this in previous posts, but it is so important to remind myself and others that the human standard of beauty is not what life is about. I like to feel my best. I feel my best when I am put together. I like those things, but at the end of the day, God doesn't care if I weigh a certain amount, or if my teeth are crooked. God created me for a purpose. He created me, flaws and all, because I can help someone. Some days, like today, I remember that I am created in God's image. On the days that I forget this fact, I turn to scripture (even when I don't feel like it, but that is for another post.)
So, if you are having a bad day or if you are having a hard time looking at yourself in the mirror, step away from the mirror. Pick up your bible.
1 Samuel 16:7
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Don't judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn't make decisions the way you do! People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at a person's thoughts and intentions."
Here's to looking past ideas, and looking at what is real.
