Cha-changes!

Dear Friends,

It's been five months since I have written one of these silly little posts. So much of life has changed.

I feel angry. I feel hurt. I feel confused. I feel abandoned. I feel broken. I feel self-conscious. I feel inadequate. I feel. I feel. I feel.

I have so many negative feelings going on in this little heart of mine.

Thankfully I know that I am a child of God. I know that I am a daughter of the King. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that I have not been abandoned and I have not been forsaken. I know that I was created for a purpose. I know that I am a conqueror. I know that my God will supply all my needs. I know. I know. I know.

I am a woman who relies so much on her feelings, but I have to learn how to push those aside and rely on what I know. I know that fear is NOT of God. So many of my negative feelings steam from some fear that I am not good enough. A fear that I thought that I had conquered.

In these dark moments, I am holding on to scripture and praying constantly.

Philippians 4:6-9 has been daily reminder.

6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. 

 Throwing out my emotions and relying on all that I know to be true is one of the hardest things that I have done. My life is in a transitional phase and I don't know what I am supposed to do. The one thing that I do know is that I need to fix my eyes on Jesus and let him hold me when I am feeling lost. It wont be easy.

I am confident that I will come out of this victorious and with a beautiful testimony. In the meantime, I am simply praying that everything that I am learning will be used one day to help others. That is what keeps me going.

If your scared and lost, just know that you are not alone. Do not rely on how you feel, because feelings can be deceptive. Hold on to what you know. You are worth more than your fears would have you believe.

If At First You Don't Succeed

Dear friends,

"If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward."
-Martin Luther King Jr.

I stumbled upon this quote today, and it is so fitting for my relationship with Jesus. I had hoped that when I chose to follow His path, I would magically never go back to old habits. I know that the decision to be a Christian is full of trials and sacrifice, but I had believed that my faith and love for my creator would make me immune to failing. Silly on my part, but wishful thinking is my specialty. If I don't learn anything else this year, at least I have learned that failing is a part of my walk and my testimony.

The beginning of this year started pretty rocky. I allowed my anger and hurt to get the best of me and I went back into some old bad habits. As with all bad habits, there are consequences, and they are currently weighing on my heart. I'm trying to come to terms with myself and the fact that I let myself down, but it is much harder trying to get over the ache that comes with feeling as though I've let God down. I've asked for forgiveness, and I know that God honors that, but I still haven't completely forgiven myself. I am the one holding on to the guilt, and only I can release myself from this cage. 

I wish that I could say that I am flying, but right now I am crawling. Some days I feel like I am ready to walk. Other days, I can barely inch forward. The only thing that matters is that I push through my own mind, and reach my goal. The only goal that I have is to build and nurture my relationship with Christ. Everything else will fall into place. 

I wish that I was a perfect person. I wish that I didn't let my anger and insecurities get the best of me. I wish that I didn't allow myself to make poor choices that can leave me with regret and worry. I can make a thousand wishes, but wishes won't change who I am. Hard work, and honest prayer will be my aid to becoming the woman that I am supposed to be. There's something refreshing about knowing that there is work to be done within myself. It gives me hope, and something to look forward to. 

All of that being said, I do have a goal for 2015

- I want to learn how to be kind to myself. It seems like a simple task, but it is hard for me. 

For those who feel like they a crawling, I'm right there with you. I know it's hard, but it's worth it in the end. Anyway, perfection makes for a boring story. 

2015 can only get better.