my mother is dead.
i spent so much of my life rejecting her crazy side and being embarrassed that i forgot how much i need her.
my mother is dead.
i spent so much of my life focusing on stupid things that i forgot to cherish her.
my mother is dead.
i spent so much of my life believing that she would change her unhealthy ways that i wasn't aware that she would never come home.
i am so sad.
i am so broken.
i lied when i said i didn't want her at my wedding.
i lied when i said i didn't want her in the delivery room.
i lied when i said that we didn't have to visit her.
to whom it may concern,
thank you for leaving me.
thank you for finding someone else.
thank you for changing our plans and rejecting me.
i mean that, without malice. if i had followed my heart at the time, i may not have been able to hold my mother's hand while she left this earth.
i used to think the worst pain in the world was losing the love of your life.
i now realize that losing the one who gave you life is.
my mother was insane. i was afraid that people would judge me because of her.
that she would scare people off.
i would give anything to have her here again. i would gladly do all the things that i hated, if it meant i could see her. i would live with the embarrassment forever if it meant that my children could feel her love.
i am so angry.
i am so incredibly bitter.
at her.
at god.
at me.
mostly at me.
my mother is dead.
and i wish that i couldn't feel anything.
