'Tis The Season

Dear friends,

I apologize for being so distant. So much has been changing in my life over the past few months. So much so, that I've had issues with dealing with everything. I will give you the highlights since I last posted on this ghost town of a blog.

Since I last posted:
- I have gone on a life changing vacation. You really have a lot of time to think while you're on a cruise. I went to Maine and two places in Canada (Nova Scotia, New Brunswick). I had an amazing time but over-indulged in the amazing food they provided.
- I got a cat!! A beautiful white kitty cat who makes home feel like home. Her name is Bliss, but i affectionately refer to her as either "Blister" or "Blistina Aguilera." I am turning in to quite the spinster.
- I have not been on a date.
- I still have no clue what I am doing with my life.

Now to the real reason for this post.
This is my first holiday season living on my own. The argument can be made that I am not technically on my own because I have roommates, but they are rarely home so it doesn't count.
I started the season strong. I went out Christmas shopping in the beginning of November and I almost have everything. I must have lost the spirit somewhere along the way, because we are now two weeks from Christmas and I feel nothing. I am not even decorating. I don't see the point.

I don't like to feel so lost around the holidays, and I don't really know how to remedy this. I can't simply will myself to be excited about something that doesn't seem like it holds any real special meaning anymore.

Maybe I am just mourning my childhood. Maybe next year will feel better.

Maybe I will just stay in bed all day with my cat. I can at least sing carols with her and she won't try to ruin my solo.

Be warned, I am a crazy cat lady in training.
Xoxo

And So It Begins

Dear friends,

To say that life has been a bit crazy would be an understatement. I am happy to say that I have lasted now seven months on my own. It hasn't been a completely happy seven months though. I have finally unpacked the last of my boxes and actually gotten rid of the evidence of my move. It is a bitter-sweet moment. As happy as I am to say that this new place is my house, I feel as though I can't call it home. I am not sure where home is.

Home used to be where my parents were, but somewhere along the way, that stopped. My roommate has gone out of her way to make me feel at home in the house, but I'm not sure that it can be fixed that easy.

I've always heard that saying "home is where the heart is." Where is my home, if my heart is constantly breaking?

I knew that this adult thing wouldn't be easy. Nothing in life ever is, but I didn't expect to feel so alone. I remember being a teenager and wishing to be older because older people always have it figured out. My poor teenage heart.

I know that I am emotional. It worries me that I won't feel "at home" until I feel an emotional attachment.

For now, I will sit alone, uncomfortable, and waiting for life to get easier.
I won't hold my breath.

Who Do I Have to Pay to Get a Date Around Here

Dear Friends,

We all know that the dating game can be scary. That is normal. If you add a girl who gets nervous around males into the mix, it can be terrifying.

Don't get me wrong, I love men. I love to flirt and giggle and goof around with members of the opposite sex, but when it comes down to opening up myself and allowing someone in, I shut down and run. This is how you end up being twenty-three and single.

I think I am most afraid of the awkward conversations that I am going to have with my first relationship. The things that I don't know how to say, or when to say them. I know how to be a friend to guys. I know how to be around them and to make situations funny. The only thing that is missing is the intimacy that you have with the person that you are in a relationship with.

This is what needs to be said... but I can't seem to figure out how to say it without sounding crazy:

-No, I have never been in a relationship. They scare me, because I am afraid of being hurt.

-No, I have never been kissed (it doesn't count when you're six). I feel like kisses are special and I will not waste my first kiss on someone who doesn't matter to me.

-No, I have not had sex, nor any other acts that go along with that. I believe that those physical acts should happen only after marriage.

-No, You will not change my mind.

It is easy to sit here and type that out, but it is different when you are in the real world and all of your fears and insecurities take over. We live in an age when it is expected of you to be that girl that the boys see on tv. The one who seems hard to get, but really gives in. There is something extremely terrifying about the possibility of being rejected because you won't do something that you aren't comfortable doing. People say "well, they didn't deserve you anyway..." No they didn't, but it doesn't make the sting any less severe.

And the fact that I am not comfortable having these conversations with men that I am interested in, makes me shy away from even trying. I sit and hope that one day, the right guy will just fall into my arms knowing all of this. It's a silly dream. I just don't know how to get around this.

They don't teach you how to make yourself comfortable in your own skin in high school.

Life or Something Like It

Dear Friends,

In light of my cousin's recent death, I have taking a nice stroll down memory lane.

Growing up, family time was the most important thing in the world. In my house alone, I lived with my mom, my aunt, my cousin, my brother, and the man who was not my biological father but was the first positive male role model that I could have. So, you can know him as I call him, dad. That was just in my house. My mother is one of six children were around while I was growing up. All but one of her siblings have at least two children, where one of my aunts has one child. With my family, we don't reserve the term "family" for people who share the same bloodline. This included friends who were dear to our heart including the best friend of one of my aunts and her daughter, who I proudly call my sister.

I say all of this to give you an idea of how large my family is. Growing up with such a large family was awesome. We didn't always see each other, but the times that we were all together were filled with laughter and excitement and arguments. This is the reason that Christmas Eve has always felt more like a holiday than Christmas Day. Being one of the youngest, I was able to see everything. It didn't hurt that I knew how to keep secrets.

Flash forward to today, and it hurts to say that I barely know half of my family. I understand that people have to grow up and get their own lives, but to see us all on separate roads breaks my heart.

When I have children, I hope that I will be able to introduce them to the chaos that surrounded me when I was younger. Sitting in the church where my cousin was laying as everyone said their goodbyes was difficult. It was hard because I have a handful of memories, mostly from when I was I was little. She died young, but there is No reason that I shouldn't have more memories to choose from.

I don't know how to get us back to where it used to be. I'm not even sure if I am imagining things the true way. I want the family that I either had, or that I imagined.

This post is to release my guilt. The guilt I feel for not being a true part of my cousin's life. I wish that I knew her better. This post is also in hopes that I can get my family back.

The Best Part of Believe is the Lie

Dear Friends,

It's a terrible thing to wake up one day and realize that your life is nothing like the way that you've dreamed it would be. What's even worse is to wake up on a daily basis and realize this fact and do nothing to change it. 

This is where I am. I wake up dissatisfied with who I am and where I am in life, but do nothing to change this. I have to ask myself the question... Do I really want my life to change, or am I too comfortable in this rut where I am not challenged?

When I say that I am not challenged, I simply mean that everyday is almost the same routine. I wake up and watch some mindless show on Netflix that I'm addicted to. Then I either go to work or take a walk to Starbucks, where I sit and try to imagine the lives of the other customers. I spend more time on Pinterest and Instagram watching the lives of others unfold than I spend trying to make myself the way that I want to be. 

If you had asked me when I was sixteen what I wanted to be, I would have told you that at the age of 23, I would be a youth pastor. I would be helping save the world from their own destructive lives. But life happens and catches you off guard. I no longer want to be a youth pastor and part of me mourns that dream, because truth is, that I don't always know what I believe. 

So at 23 years old, I ask myself the million dollar question: what do I want to do with my life? 

I want out of retail. I want a job where I don't hate everyone. I want to be able to answer the question "so what do you do?" without feeling embarrassed and feeling the need to add "but it's only temporary." And more than anything, I want to stop feeling guilty about being embarrassed about working retail. (Because there is nothing wrong with it. We'd be nowhere without the people who work retail.)

I want to share my imagination with everyone. I want the world, or even a few people to meet my characters because they have been such a comfort to me. Flawed as my stories may be, they can teach you things. I know because each one has taught me. I don't sit down and think "oh what is going to happen next?" It just happens and in those moments, I learn things about myself and the world. 

I don't want to wake up in 40 years and tell my grandchildren that when I was their age I had so much to say, but I was too afraid to let my imagination shine through. 

My imagination is the greatest gift that I have that can be shared with the world. It would be a shame to waste it. 

I just need to stop worrying that my thoughts aren't going to be enough. 

I can tell children that they can be anything that they want as long as they try hard enough. Why can't I believe the same about myself?

Time Heals All Wounds

Dear friends,

There's a saying that time heals all wounds. It's only true if you actually treat the wound properly.
Imagine that you've sliced your hand, and now there's a huge gash. If you left it open without cleaning it or covering it, it would become infected and become much worse. It's only after you've taken the time and the steps to ensure the wound closes safely that it is able to begin the healing process.

Your heart is the same way. If you don't take the time and put forth the energy to help your broken heart mend, all of the pain you feel will continue and you will become infected with bitterness and hate.

I know first hand what it is like to hold on too long and allow my broken heart to turn me into the thing that I hate. It's so much harder trying to get rid of that infection than it would have been to prevent it in the first place.

No one likes pouring the peroxide on their open wound, sometimes you just have to kill the germs that lead to infection.

Anyway...

Thirty, Flirty and Thriving!

Dear Friends,

I have a definition for you.

a·dult  

/əˈdəlt/

Noun A person who is fully grown or developed.

Adjective (of a person or animal) Fully grown or developed.

Synonyms noun.   grown-up - major adjective.   grown-up - grown - mature - full-grown - big - ripe

What the definition doesn't say is that once you reach the "adult" status, life as you knew it is gone.
Days of Barbie dolls and make believe are out, and long work days and aching feet are in.

When you are a kid, growing up seems like the coolest thing in the world. You want to be taller, and wiser, and you want to be everything that the grown-ups get to be. At least, that is how I was. The idea of being thirty years old was such an exciting event. I'd be lying if I said that I still wasn't looking forward to it, but it's all different now.

The thing is, people tell you not to grow up too quickly. "Don't rush it," said every adult that I have ever known. And I finally understand. I may not be thirty years old, but I am not a kid anymore. It is such a bittersweet realization. I wish that I would have listened to all the annoying adults who told me not to worry so much and enjoy my childhood.

I have this stupid idea that once I am thirty, I will know who I am. I will be comfortable in myself and with my life and I will finally be at peace. I know that this is a silly idea, but I am holding on to it. The reality of being twenty-three years old and completely lost is terrifying.

I miss Barbies and not having to file taxes and worry about insurance.
I need a time machine hot tub.... or a hot tub to ease my work-broken back.

Here's to growing up and hoping that someday, we will have it easy.

Just Leave the Pieces When You Go

Dear Friends,

It seems to be fact that when you love someone and let them into your life, they will forever have a little piece of your heart. No matter how hard you try to forget the person or ignore the stinging pain in your chest that faintly resembles being sliced with a knife, you just can't.

I can't speak for everyone, but when I fully allow someone to penetrate my heart, I can't just let it go. I wish that I wasn't this way. I wish that I could just dust away memories and sweep up the lingering feelings, but I have never been all that great at cleaning up my messes.

We all have those days when we think of past relationships. Whether it be with a romantic partner, a friendship or a deceased loved one. The memories that rush into our brains seem to surround us and suffocate all sense of rational thinking. You miss that person. You don't know if you will have a connection again with another human soul. And you just break your heart all over again.

It's been this way for me the past couple of days. I've been having these dreams about this person who used to be a friend. Someone that I confided in. As much as it breaks my heart that there is no longer a friendship, I can honestly say that the end of the friendship was probably the best thing that has happened to me. I find myself worrying about this friend and hoping for the best for them, but still have lingering bitterness that one day I will overcome.

You never know what you are fully capable of until you are faced with an impossible situation. Losing someone you love, whether it be by choice or it was taken from you, can change you. It can make you look at life in a completely new light. And while your emotions are on a roller coaster ride and your doubts and insecurities are storming about inside you, you will learn who you are.

Life can throw some crazy storms your way. Sometimes you get battered and bruised, and sometimes you can find shelter. It isn't fair, but who ever said that it was?

So while the rain is pouring in my life, I suppose I will get my little boat out and stay afloat. Better yet, I should probably learn how to row. At least that way, I can get myself to a better destination.

With love and hope that someday we will all be able to get over the things we can't forget.
xoxo

The Customer is Always Correct

Dear Friends,

I may not have mentioned before, but I have the pleasure of working in retail. I can't go into specifics because I could lose my job.

If you've ever worked retail, or any profession where you have to deal with the public, you will  know that this statement is 100% FALSE.

Whichever genius conjured up that lie, ought to be found and shook. I fully understand that employees make their fair share of mistakes, but I can guarantee that at least 80% of problems could be solved if people could learn to actually read a sign.

With that being said, I've compiled a list of other annoyances. Brace yourselves.

°self-checkout machines do not take away my job.
°If you do not like using computers, then let me not use my register and resort to using chalkboard and chalk. It will only take about five times longer.
°complaining about the cost will not make me lower the price for you.
°if we had every item in the back store room, it would be on the sales floor.
°why yes, yes I do love being your personal shopper even though that's not in my job description.
°I do know you hate the self-checkout machines. You've told me a million times. Wanna know what I hate? Your complaining. Especially seeing as I have no control.

This rant could go on and on, but my break is over.

Stay golden. :)

New Adventures of the Little New Me

Dear Friends, 

I've never been one for change. The word "change" usually leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. The funny thing about this inevitable thing that we know as change, is that it happens and you have no choice but to adjust. 

I found out a little over two months ago that my family's home was no longer ours. My parents are sickly and there simply wasn't enough money. I had two weeks to find somewhere else to go and live without the security of having my family with me. Until this point in my twenty-three years of life, I have been with my parents. Now they are a few miles away, and I have a lot to learn.

It's a difficult thing to go through for anyone. After about three weeks, and eating way too much junk food not to mention the six pounds that I gained while watching The Vampire Diaries and crying I am proud to say that I am on top of this situation.

Fast forward two months and here I am. I am adjusting and learning to face this great life that I have as an independent adult. I now need to learn how to keep myself organized and say "no" to that dress that I don't really, absolutely, positively need. 

Fashion is my comfort, kids. What can I say?

Welcome to my insanity.